spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee