As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
I’m not sorry.
