My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
What’s the point buying it then?
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.