i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
i think both sides are to blame here
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
