Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My dad.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.