Eating for two.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.