Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
sure, why not
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
just arby’s bein’ a bro
