Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
realest tweet ever.
🤣😂🤣😂
