born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.