beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”