I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU