Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*