*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Who wants to be my Valentine?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning