3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.