Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Hey Fugeddaboutit
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)