Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You learn something every day
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.