“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out