My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
i meant to share this earlier
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
the short answer to this question
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Is this a threat?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: