Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Well, this is awkward
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.