This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Harsh but fair