Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Wait a second…
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again