being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.