“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Cucumbers Anonymous