There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
