If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
They’re on their honeymoon
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you