Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
me when the borders lift
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.