Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes