“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….