True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
This makes total sense…
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
This tree does a lot of weird exercises