I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years