The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station