A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Perfect
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.