I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Proctology is located in A55
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.