[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.