no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.