You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
not for long
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle