Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
not for long
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”