I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
all that yoga finally paid off
This is a sub tweet
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.