Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Not messing around