i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
this is the best day of my life
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.