What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful