A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
translated into Canadian
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.