Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me