Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Today’s tshirt
Limited budget
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
