sure, why not
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
just arby’s bein’ a bro
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Look Ma, no handle on things
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….