Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
they should create new variants of dopamine
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
