I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Look Ma, no handle on things
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets