me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching