the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?