So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.